Sacred, Scarred, Scared
by chemiskorpion0002
Summary: There are several words that are NOT in Ichimaru Gin's vocabulary. Come to think of it, fear and scared are NOT among them. GinRan.


Disclaimer:

I do not own Bleach. Bleach is by Kubo Tite

A/N:

I had the idea for this fic from an exchange with** Pyrozia.**

And as I promised,** Feisu-chan**, this is for you. I believe I owed you a fic.

I'm feeling really hurt right now. I might as well turn this angst to something productive.

By the way, this fic contains scenes of violence. That's why it was rated M.

Texts in _italics_ signify character's thoughts.

~0~0~0~

**Sacred, Scarred, Scared**

Winter war. Fake Karakura Town.

Gin stood motionless, kept his eyes closed, his grin in place, his reaitsu in check. Even with the turbulent emotions cursing in his veins, something he is very much unfamiliar, he kept his façade. But his lips twitched for a split second. In his lifetime, stretching through centuries, he can count in his two hands the times he felt this disgusting sensation.

* * *

He bent to gather the chunks of bread on the ground. He just finished killing the other kids. They were disgusting. Why should they bother with food anyway, when they don't really need it? At his age, he understood what hunger really means and what it signifies. He glanced at the scattered, bloodied bodies around him. They were scumbags. They can't even do anything but run, screaming for help to no one as Gin approached them. They can't even fight back.

"_Easy kill,_" he mused as he held the gathered bread in his arm. They had died a pathetic death, in his very hands. Gin felt a surge of smug pride at that. He can kill anyone at his whim and he knew it too well. He let out a chuckle as he walked away from the massacre scene. The ground was dry and so were the trees, all leafless and bare. He watched through his almost closed eyes the unchanging terrain as he munched his bread. His bare feet had been too used to the ground to even feel strange to the coarseness of the earth.

"Boring," he complained in his cheerfully grim voice. It was almost winter and with that persimmons, of course. The thought of his most craved after food brought a faint genuine smile to the silver-haired kid as he continued his walk going particularly nowhere.

"Eh?" He cocked his head to the side at the distant sight before him. At the bend of the approaching curve, he saw a child lying helpless on the ground. He walked towards the child. Come to think of it, he was curious. The kid isn't dead yet. He wondered how he might finish off this kid. Should he cut the head, or maybe he should strangle the neck but twisting it would be better and faster though the kid wouldn't be bloodied with that. He stood before the kid.

"_Girl?_" he eyed the kid with an unusually bouncy strawberry-blonde hair that framed her delicate face. "_Well, she does not look disgusting,"_ he thought. The girl opened her eyes weakly but closed it again, out of exhaustion. The grin in his face sublimed as he stared. He recognized the look in the girl's eyes - hunger. He felt a strange flutter in his stomach. So there are other kids who go hungry like him as well. He had been to a lot of places, meet a lot of kids, killed most of them because they keep hunting for food when they don't go hungry like him anyway. They're filthy hypocrites, he remembered himself thinking. Now here is someone that is actually like him. He bent and nudged a piece of bread to the girl's mouth, "Eat up."

The girl opened her eyes to him again. Exhaustion and starvation were stumped in her shimmering icy-blue irises. Gin oddly felt his heart race in a strange way that sent chills in his spine at the sight. "If you can collapse due to hunger, you must have spiritual power," he said, strangely wanting to keep the girl talking to make sure she's alive. "_Please. I just found someone like me. Please don't die on me,_" he muttered in his head. He never really cared being different before but he's still a kid, how ever different he may be. Somewhere in his soul, he still wanted to belong, he wanted to be like others or at the very least find someone like him.

"You… too?" she managed to reply, barely a whisper.

Gin _smiled_. A wave of relief washed through him. "Yup. Me too. Ichimaru Gin. Nice to meet you," he beamed at the girl. He was really pleased to meet her.

_That was the first time he felt scared._

_

* * *

_

She was starting to clean up the dishes. They've been living together in a makeshift shack they found abandoned one year ago. Well, it wasn't really abandoned. He originally asked the owner of the shack to let them stay with him but he declined. He even held a knife at Gin, threatening him to leave at once or he will kill him. Since the man declined his _polite_request, and was even rude enough to hold a knife pathetically at him, Gin's instinct told him to do what he had to do. He punched the man straight in his face, breaking his nose, grabbed the knife too easily from his grip and stabbed him. Well, he stabbed his chest twice perhaps, and there was a fountain of blood. Gin was happy the world will now be free of another rude man that was not worthy to even breathe. But that was just for being rude. Now, for declining his request, Gin slit the man's neck, from the base of the ear to the collarbone. The man was whimpering in anguish as he stared at death before him. "Don't worry you'll die soon," he recalled having told the man before he went inside to check out the whole of the shack. It was big enough for him and Rangiku. Later on, he cleaned up the bloodied house and dragged the body to a nearby cliff. Then he went to her and told her the happy news – he found an abandoned shack where they could both live. It was abandoned then, because the owner was dead. So there, they lived in the house together.

They had just finished their dinner. Gin managed to get a few pieces of bread from the market and Rangiku went home with some fruits as well. Pity their favorite persimmons are out of season. The dinner was good and she volunteered to do the dishes. He was sitting some meters away from her, watching her. She had grown somehow. Her face looked less bony and her plump, wavy hair grew longer. He liked looking at her because she's not disgusting and because she's like him - she's different. She said she had run away from her friends, because she's eating most of the food they manage to gather due to her unusual hunger. She felt as if she's becoming a burden, at least that's what she said. He eyed her as she bent to gather their makeshift plates. "_So she had people around her before. But she couldn't stay either because she was different,_" he mused. Well he sympathized with her, he knew the feeling, but he couldn't help but wonder why she didn't just killed them and got the food from them. Maybe then she could have not starved to near death as when he found her. But these were the thoughts he had always kept from her. To him, she's delicate, carefree and innocent, and he felt like he should be responsible enough to let her keep those attributes. He sighed as he finally decided to speak to keep his mind from thinking, "Hey, when is your birthday Rangiku?" It was random but that was the first thing that came to his mind.

Rangiku stopped in her tracks and looked away in thought, as she was forced to set the makeshift plate she was about to pick up back to their makeshift table. "I don't know," she managed to blurt out. Now that she thought about it, she didn't even know the day of her birth. She didn't really mind the days and didn't really count them until she met him, until she met someone like her, and she said so, "I never really counted the days until I met you."

His plastered grin was turned upside down. He felt his heart race in a strange way that sent cold chills in his spine at her remark. His _existence_ was actually that significant? Shouldn't he be happy? But he's not happy. What is this feeling again? Come to think of it, this is only the second time ever felt this emotion. Is he…scared?

He felt as if his insides were twisting up in bizarre ways, making his breathes harder.

Why does he feel scared of it, then? Is that supposed to be scary?

"Then the day you met me will be your birthday," he declared. The easiness of his voice masked the chaotic emotions welling up in his chest right then. "How about that Rangiku?"

She looked up at him. Her eyes shone in a new, strange way that scared him even more. Then she looked away again. He watched her, trying to understand what that look meant and trying to understand what he was feeling as well.

_That day, his fears were born. That was the second time he was scared._

_

* * *

_

The tenth squad captain appeared before him and his vice captain, "Just as I thought. Only Kira's cell door was opened from the outside. If you broke him out, it wasn't very smart of you to make it so obvious, Ichimaru."

"You misunderstood," Gin declared, "I did that because I wanted people to know."

Whether or not Hitsugaya understood his words, he didn't know or he didn't care. Gin knew this is not far from coming, he was expecting it actually. He was just relieved that Hitsugaya is not with his vice-captain.

Hitsugaya was obviously pissed off with him, not that Gin minded. He watched Hitsugaya about to draw his sword but then Hinamori came. The poor Hitsugaya thought she was going for Gin. He desperately shouted at the fifth division vice-captain to let him handle Gin instead, as the third squad captain was too strong for her, but in his horror, Hinamori turned her sword at himself. Shock and hurt were apparent in the youngest Gotei captain at the sight of his childhood friend before him, sword drawn.

Gin maintained his smile, sarcastic of course, but his insides were in riot. He breathed out a sigh, barely audible, barely visible. Maybe he understood Hitsugaya. This is why he was relieved the tenth division captain did not have his vice-captain at his side right now. He would never fancy fighting Rangiku.

_It was the first fear born that day he asked her about her birthday._

He watched Hitsugaya dodge every attack from his friend. His smile was curving further upwards at the sight, even if the fear of seeing himself and Rangiku in the same situation was growing. Hitsugaya was bellowing in anger at him and he would only smile back at the young captain. Hitsugaya's anger was suppressing Gin's worries. Gin always understood what his smile brings to other people and he loved seeing the reactions. Further taunting Hitsugaya, he made his smirk grow, more mocking even. The young captain was too easy to toy with and Gin knew he's going to enjoy this. Then there's Hinamori, to keep the desperate and torn Hitsugaya away from him. Gin made it a point to flash his mile-wide conceited grin whenever Hitsugaya looked his way, and the younger white-haired captain would, to Gin's delight, be roaring in fury at him. He was tempted to comment on how skilled Hitsugaya was in dodging. He was thinking of suggesting him to attack instead, for a change. He was about to do just so when Hitsugaya was caught in a situation where dodging Hinamori's attack was impossible, and he was forced to hit his beloved friend.

The moment Hinamori hit the ground Gin took in the cue, "Arara... The captain of the tenth division is so cruel! There's no need to that hard a girl who has lost her mind to her emotions." The nature of the smile Gin was wearing clearly contradicted his seemingly apprehensive comment.

And that was the final string that snapped to commence the fight between the legendary prodigies of Soul Society – himself and Hitsugaya Toshiro.

Angered by the way Hinamori was suffering Hitsugaya bellowed in rage, "Souten ni zase! Hyourinmaru!"

The tenth division captain's zanpakutou, Hyourinmaru is the strongest of the ice and snow zanpakutou in all of Soul Society. What ensued was a flurry of attacks. The younger white-haired captain's attacks were furious but Gin was fast. Their movements were quick, rapid and swift around swirls of ice. With Gin slashing the surge of ice from Hyourinmaru, Hitsugaya managed to get the chains in his katana at the latter's arms. Trapped, the silver-haired captain of the third division called forth his zanpakutou, "Ikorose! Shinsou!"

The blade extended fast and by instinct Hitsugaya dodged with his katana, earning a grin from Gin, "Are you sure?" he was referring to Hitsugaya's choice to dodge his attack, "If you dodge it," Gin's voice mocked the tenth squad captain. As Shinsou's blade made past Hitsugaya shooting towards an unconscious Hinamori, Gin's lips curved further upwards and his closed eyes hooted in laughter, "…she will die." Hitsugaya turned fearfully to Hinamori's direction. How Gin loved that fear in his eyes but his blade was stopped, blocked and his smirk died down as he saw the figure blocking Shinsou. Hitsugaya confirmed Gin's hunch as he called out his vice-captain's name.

"I'm sorry Taicho," she addressed her captain, "I was going to head back as you instructed but I felt Hyourimaru's reaitsu so I turned back." Her eyes blazed as she looked straight to Gin, "Please withdraw your sword Ichimaru Taicho."

Gin looked straight back at her, his face devoid of his smile. He felt his insides churn as that cold chills went soaring in his entire body. Rangiku continued, "If you don't _I_ will be your opponent."

His whole body felt cold at Rangiku's words, as if Hyourinmaru's ice had engulfed him whole instead of just his arm. He let the plastered sarcastic grin bloom in his face once more as he retracted his katana.

_His first fear has just been realized. It was the third time he felt scared._

_

* * *

_

Their treachery has just been revealed. The play was finally over. Gin watched in amusement the astound faces of his former comrades. "_You've all been tricked! Brainless people!_" he sang in his head. Yoruichi, the former 2nd squad captain, and Soifon, the present 2nd squad captain, had come and had their blades on Aizen. The three guardians were taken care of by Kuukaku and Jidanbou. Gin rolled his eyes invisible from the world, "_All these display of strength are useless now. You were just playing to Aizen Taicho's whims._"

He mused for his next move, well maybe he should join in the fun. It's too boring to watch them kill each other. He somehow wondered why he didn't kill the Kuchiki earlier. The noble Kuchiki Byakuya would have not survived another stab from Shinsou. He scanned the place to locate the prey. "_Aaa, let me finish the job now_," He threw his hand in a wave to signal the commencement of his act but a familiar hand grabbed his hand. He flinched. Of course he knew who it was. His usually quiet soul was suddenly in an uproar of emotions. He knew this would come though he always hoped it'll never happen. All the things about him he had kept from her were done so to keep this from coming. Even with their treachery revealed, he was half hoping it will not come to this point.

"Don't move." Her voice, firm but sweet, rang in his ears. "Please."

He felt his body go rigid. The sensation he hated to feel emerged once more. He kept his eyes closed and tried to keep his smile as well, "Sorry Aizen Taicho. She got me."

_His second fear has just been realized. She finally saw the darkness, face to face._

"_Now, now, why should she be the one to arrest me?_" he grieved, "_But then again, it's better to feel her close to me for __**this**__ time._"

Gin's mind was reeling at how warm Rangiku's touch remained all those years. Even now, as he was revealed to be a traitor, her restraining hand holding him captured was warm, radiating heat to his body gone cold with icy fear. Whatever was being said and done at that moment he didn't really care anymore. Right now, he is being held by the woman who taught him to feel. He had closed his eyes to force himself to remember how it feels to be close to her, to have her body next to him, because this might as well be the _last_ time.

In a flashing instant, white light engulfed him and Rangiku quickly let his hand go. His body might have been as well frozen. "Too bad," he started. There were many things he wished to say but those will have to be left unsaid. They may have been meant to be left unsaid, anyway. "It would have been nice if my capture lasted a little longer." His voice got caught in his throat. He hated this and never wanted this to come. He wished he never have to say these painful words, ever, words that pained him more than he could possibly admit. "**Ja,**Rangiku**.**"

_His third fear has just been realized. Whenever he leaves, he would leave while she's asleep because he's scared to say goodbye._

Well, it looks like he won't be able to do that this time.

His heart clenched recognizing that the glance he is going to throw at her might as well be the last look he will give her. He turned his face to her, as the snake of fear coiled around his soul, his lips thinned in a _painful smile_ as he _opened_ his eyes, "**Gomen.**" He wondered if Rangiku recognized the pain in his voice. He was never good in showing emotions. He had_never_ showed any real emotion anyway.

_His fourth fear has just been realized. He feared for the moment he would have to apologize for all things she had suffered because of him._

The ground he was standing on started to break as his ascent started. Rangiku's pained face, shocked and unbelieving, betrayed and abandoned, remained stuck in his eyes and burned in his memories.

_His fifth fear has just been realized. He was afraid of seeing her face as he goes away._

He bowed his head and felt his heart stop beating. He lost the one person that was like him, the woman that gave her a place to belong. Maybe, he's as good as gone as well.

* * *

He heard her call out her zanpakutou. And then her reaitsu dropped steeply.

He stood motionless, kept his eyes closed, his grin in place, his reaitsu in check. Even with the turbulent emotions cursing in his veins, something he is very much unfamiliar, he kept his façade. But his lips twitched. In his lifetime, stretching through centuries, he can count in his two hands the times he felt this disgusting sensation. He never wanted to feel it again. Because his last fear is something he would exchange his life to not be realized.

Hinamori bellowed her name as Rangiku plunged downwards in blinding speed. Gin heard the fifth division vice-captain resort to kidou in desperate attempt to save Rangiku. Her bakudo managed to catch the severely injured tenth division vice-captain and he remained silent still. The old cold chills spreading in his whole body returned, except that the frost of their coldness is more pronounced this time. He could feel the tremors to his fingertips as his heart bang against his ribcage and he could hear the thumping of his heartbeat loud as a drum against his ears. Her reaitsu was dwindling, faint and almost inexistent. Hinamori was attacked, was catched by Kira and Hisagi, and Rangiku was left untended. Gin did not move a muscle. For once in his life, he didn't know what to do next. Not even a single word escaped his lips. His face never knew how to twitch the muscles to show fear but at this moment, he was _scared_, might as well be scared to death, so to speak.

"_Kami._"

"Kira, I'll take on this guy. Take care of Hinamori and Rangiku-san." Gin heard Hisagi spoke to Kira. Should he be relieved? Kira was a former fourth division member. He knew because the guy was his vice-captain. But he was too scared to feel anything. His whole being was overwhelmed by fear. "Especially Rangiku-san. She's going to be in trouble if you don't hurry," continued Hisagi.

"_Nah. That ninth division vice-captain sure knows,_" he wanted to say, but he knew any idiot would realize the position Rangiku was in.

He knew Kira could do it. His vice-captain was capable but his spirit would not rest.

"_Kami._"

Gin wondered if the terror gripping him will ever be lifted. He and Rangiku, they are both warriors. His final fear was born the day he found Rangiku starving in the ground. Having spiritual power like him would lead her to the battlefield, as it did to him. It was the fear that never left him. It was the fear that he _prayed_ will never be realized.

Of all things, it was the one thing that scared Ichimaru Gin the most.

But the worst form of his final fear, he shut his eyes further than it already was as he gripped the handle of his sword, is that she would die by his blade. Right now, he is being held prisoner by the Sou-taicho's flames, but when that breaks down he will be out in the battlefield too. He will inevitably fight. Her fading reaitsu once again pulsed in his soul. When he'll be swinging his blade, would he be able to let it stop to not cut her?

The very thought sent shivers to the sacred killing beast inside him. All the fears that bloomed and came to life all those years had left his soul scarred. And those very scars whispers to him that his fears had always been realized. It really, really, _scared_ him.

_It seems the world is madder than him._

~0~0~0~

A/N:

Ja (Jp) = variation of the expression 'Ja ne', meaning 'See you later'

Gomen (Jp) = Sorry

Kami (Jp) = God

I know it is too much angst. Sorry it turned out that way. This story was triggered to completion by Adam Lambert's Mad World while I'm grieving over some personal stuff. Hehe.

By the way, just to clarify, Ran is NOT dead at the end of the fic. Her status is incapacitated, as in the manga.


End file.
